Life is not a war, if someone ever told me that 15 years ago I would laugh at them because I would think that they had gone mad because my life was always about surviving as if I was on a battlefield in an immense war, for life was always about the next thing and how to prepare myself for it and I used to think that life is a big chess game and I would overthink everything as if my life depends on it. 

Then I started to get physically ill, the doctors did all the necessary tests to see if I was suffering from something serious, The results showed that I was not suffering from something serious, the only thing my doctor found was that I had IBS and minor issues that didn’t cause the all the symptoms I was experiencing and all the side effects I was experiencing are from stress and high level of anxiety and one day after so many visits to the Gastroenterologist he finally made it clear to me he told me that “yes You have IBS and some minor issues that might affect your lifestyle but not majorly as what your symptoms are showing, your body is under a lot of stress and anxiety that your body and brain are not able to manage anymore and you must change your lifestyle and work on it because it will become worse over the years unless you do something to change your life and mentally starting to relax”  and guess what? He was right! And let me tell you, the change didn’t happen overnight, it took me years to make several changes because being sick all the time is not an easy option too, and every once in a while, I get stressed (who doesn’t, right?) but now I keep myself checked I immediately try to unwind, by watching standup comedy, workout, declutter my space or talk to my dad because he’s like my therapist, or listening to music and dance or singing which is my favourite thing in the world.

We all have dreams, yet we are obsessed with making everything perfect. Even when the results are flawless, we never feel satisfied, and it just makes our minds work overtime, then we do not get enough sleep, and then we wake up the next morning still feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by our standards, while life keeps getting harder. You try to make everything perfect from the moment you open your eyes and get ready for work with all the broken relationships with people who are not willing to change, you try to help them change but their behaviour is screaming so loud they refuse to change, so you feel like you are failing by not doing enough and it becomes part of the struggle.

When it comes to fighting for your dreams and fighting for the one thing that makes you feel alive, you drain yourself trying to make it perfect and no matter what the outcomes are you still feel like it needs more work, even when the whole world is telling you that it’s perfect you keep finding micro errors, that’s not normal, so what I realised later in my life what I call “the perfectionist in me” trying to make my life and career as perfect as I can and guess what it made me sick, and exhausted all the time also angry all the time trying to fix what’s already immaculate, I’m never satisfied even when the work is done perfectly and the minute life throws a curveball at me, everything starts to fall apart, and the cycle keeps repeating because life is infinite and every day comes with its own shitty and happy moments, I can’t control others and definitely I can’t control life, some people are going to like my creation and others will find it ugly or bad and that’s life, one day you go to bed optimistic and healthy the next morning you can’t move your body from pain, the idea that everyone should adore me and if one person is not then it’s on them not on me, even when it comes to my work and my music I stopped being obsessed as when it’s going to take off, I keep working so hard, writing songs and pushing back and fighting for it until the last breath, but every night when I go to bed I tell myself that I did my best and it’s time to rest and tomorrow is another day to fight, but I stopped obsessing about all the things that could go wrong because everything that wasn’t supposed to go wrong went south and being anxious all the time was breaking me during those times, until I realised that whether I like it or not when shit goes down it will go down without giving me a prior notice, so I stopped resisting and I started to go to bed knowing that I did my best and the rest is not on me. So, fight the fight but sleep at night.

ShoroK💜💜